noun. An adherent of the ‘kirk’ or Scottish church.

What hath been done by kirkists these last dozen of yeers.
The discovery of a most exquisite jewel, Thomas Urquhart (1652)

Scottish church? BORING! Here at On Words and Upwards! I strive to boldy go where no nonce-word has gone before… but not to Scotland. I chose this word for how it looked, not the definition. Nothing wrong with the Scottish Church, of course. But it just doesn’t seem entertaining. Someone please feel free to enlighten me — I’ve never been to church in Scotland.

I propose that the name Kirkists be applied to all those who feel that Captain Kirk is superior to Picard. That’s right Trekkies, Trekkers and Trekkists, it’s an epic battle for votes and only one Star Trek captain can be the victor. Are you a Kirkist or a Picardist?

Cast your votes in the comments!

noun. Being half in jest, half serious.

Our own poet has lately characterized himself as a jocoserious genius; and in fact this jocoseriosity seems of much the same quality with the eironeia of the Greek.
Browning Society Papers, E. Johnson (1885)

Comedians are well known for jocoseriosity: they’ll point out something ridiculous about our lives to make us laugh, as well as to make us think. I’m sure you speak with jocoseriosity all the time.

“Does this dress make me look fat?” she asked.
“Yeah, so huge!” he said with jocoseriosity.
He was swiftly incapacitated by a strong kick to the groinal region.

Don’t be that guy. Be jocoserious when appropriate, not on a seriosityful occasion. She wasn’t fat, just not as thin as she used to be.

Leave a comment full of jocoseriosity and jocoserious things you’ve said today!

adj. Really really fat.

So that to a man that is meatefyed in flesh, and whose state (in this world) is desperate, a Sergiant may serue instead of a Deaths head, to put him in minde of his last day.
Jests to Make You Merry, Thomas Dekker & George Wilkins (1607)

It sounds like something you’d say about something you plan on eating, don’t it? “The cows are looking very meatified already. Looks like we’ll be havin’ hamburgers a little earlier this year!”

Or perhaps it refers to someone who eats way too many hamburgers. Or other meat. The steak and bacon diet… not recommended. I do, however, recommend this word as an insult. Use it wisely.

Are you mortified of becoming meatified? No worries. Just send me all your money and you will become thinner in no time!

noun. One who is afraid of the Irish.

It was long enough to demonstrate even to Protestant Hibernophobes that his system was the right one.
Temple Bar Magazine (1889)

It looks like hibernophobe means someone who is afraid of hibernating, but that’s absurd. Sleeping is the best thing ever!

Hiberno- refers to Ireland; Hibernology is the study of Irish history. And a hibernaculum is a place where something sleeps for the winter. So a hibernohibernaculum is a place in Ireland where one hibernates. It could be a name for a chain of hotels in Ireland!

If you know any hibernophobes don’t hesitate to try to quell their fears. There are plenty of better things to be afraid of. Ireland has given us many great things! Like, um… leprechauns… potatoes… the color green…

noun. Rendering impossible.

Sovereigns and their courtiers were flattered by the degradation of nature and the impossibilification of a pretended virtue.
Literary Remains, Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1818)

The addition of glasses in high school let to the impossibilification of me getting a date. But that time has passed. Or has it? I’m running a website for Pete’s sake! Whoever Pete is.

I can see this word becoming popular (with your help). There are plenty of impossibilifying circumstances happening all the time keeping people from achieving goals: falling down, dying and not having any quarters left, getting frozen in carbonite, etc.

Do you have more examples of an impossibilification? Or do you want to go out on a date? Leave a comment!

adj. Offal-eating. (One who eat the edible parts which are cut off in preparing the carcass of an animal for food)

In a Dog, and other offivorous Quadrupeds, ’tis very large.
Physico-theology, William Derham (1713)

Someone who only gets the scraps that no one else wants is offivorous. It’s not great to only get scraps. I don’t want the shavings, I want the meat! Not some awful falafel offal … give me a hamburger! NOW!

Sorry, I haven’t been eating a great variety lately. It’s been a while since my last hamburger. My local Subway doesn’t — thankfully — give me scraps of meat, so I’m not offivorous.

Not everyone  is offivorous by choice, of course. Some dogs are offivorous. The ugly twin that lives in the attic and eats mostly fish heads is offivorous. The passengers sitting at the back of an airplane after all the good meals have been taken are offivorous.

Who else might be an offivore?

verb. To have a sensation as if a creepy-crawly was crawly-creepy all over you.

There is not a part of me that has not..crept, crawled, and forficulated ever since.
The Caxtons, a family picture, Edward Lytton (1849)

Ew, bugs. I hate bugs. But I love the word. The word comes from the name of the insect, Forficula auricularia, commonly know as an Earwig.

I often have forficulating experiences. Sometimes a hair will find its way into my face or elsewhere and I will immediately freak out, thinking that vile bug-creature has paid me a visit. False alarm. I am forfic-elated that it was not a real bug.

But sometimes a real bug decides to come my way. It looks at me with its eight eyes for just a moment before I kick its eight asses.

I have a black belt in Kung Shoo Fly.

adj. Of or belonging to surpassing depth or profundity.

Sink down into the Hyperbyssal, Supersensual, Unsearchable, Eternal One.
Behmen’s theosophick philosophy unfolded, Edward Taylor (1691)

How the heck am I supposed to talk about a word that means “beyond profound”? I’m not profound. I’m not even just plain ol’ found. Confound, maybe. What’s beyond profound? Postfound? Superfound?

Anything else I can say has be lost to the hyperbyss of space. Maybe we can use hyperbyssal to refer to space. Space is pretty profound; hard to wrap your brain around anyway. If space is infinite, that means there’s a parallel universe somewhere with a parallel me writing this blog… but he is profound. He makes me hyperbysmal in comparison.

Even thought I can’t be profound about it, hyperbyssal is a pretty rockin’ word. Not to be confused with hypabyssal; that’s a kind of rock.